Is it kosher to write a post that says "check out this other person's post!"? Eh, well, this is my blog, so I do what I want! I love the post "On Taking Offense: A Flowchart":
A large part of being a "perfectionist" is caring quite a bit too much about what others think of us. I don't know about you, but I feel like perfectionistic, detail-oriented people like me can often be more sensitive to criticism than others. I like this flowchart's lighthearted yet straightforward way of dealing with it: just deal with it! Choosing your feelings is much easier said than done, but as the chart demonstrates, spiraling down into a cycle of hate can get pretty ridiculous.
FAIL. Fail failure failing. It makes us fret, it makes us cry, but it also makes us laugh:
As we wrap up midterms here at BYU, I've been thinking a lot about how I cope with failure. Time and again, we hear that failure is meant to help us grow. But darn it all if it sure doesn't feel like that most of the time! I don't think I'll ever be able to embrace the concept altogether, but during those moments where I'm feeling low, it's nice to pull out a few pithy sayings that help me get through the day, or week (or month, as the case was in October). Often, if you can pull during the time surrounding a failure, you can look back and realize the good in it (hindsight is always 20/20!). Until then, here are my short-term fixes for not only being okay with failure, but celebrating it!
"If you want twice the success, double the rate of failure."
"Fail early and often."
"Curiosity is your greatest advantage."
"Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul." --Nephi (2 Nephi 4:28)
"Shall we not go on in so great a cause?" D&C 128:22
The poem entitled "The Measure of a Man" by anonymous, which reminds me to check myself on how I measure my self-worth.
This post is going to be too long already, so I'll stop the list there. But I also wanted to mentin that perfectionism is one of the "types" of procrastination--when you resist beginning a task because you're unsure you'll succeed. In this case, it's best for me to look on the poignant lessons of my past to motivate me (20/20, remember?). One time, there was a job opening that was perfect for me: it was related to both my major and minor areas of study, it was for a company whose environment and cause I loved, it fit my niche perfectly. I wanted this job so badly, you guys. And so I slaved over the application, making it "perfect." I hesitated to send it in, because what if it wasn't good enough yet? I took my resume to a career advisor, I talked to my friends about it and thought of every conceivable way to improve my application...
....All the way up to the day that I found out the position had closed. They had found someone else to fill the job before I had even applied. My heart sunk. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you realize you dropped the ball, hard-core? That was it. And that's an experience I reflect on now to remind myself that trying is worth so much more than waiting. Unfortunately, I have quite a few of these stories (missed a midterm while studying for it? check.) but I like to believe I'm improving. Also, this quote from Theodore Roosevelt just gives me chills:
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
Well, those are a few ways I deal with failure in my life. What has worked for you?
Recently I was perusing the blog of a married couple I know, and I was impressed that they acted on their impressions regarding their use of media by deciding to create a new blog that would focus on helping others with a particular issue. I think it would be great to follow suit. I first created this blog as something of a journal for myself, but I'd like to reach outward and write things that might help others as well. With that in mind, and considering my first post which spoke about my struggles with perfectionism, I have decided to direct many of my future posts to handling stress, perfectionism, and all that good stuff, from an average Joe (er, Jane).
You should know that I am not a mental health professional. Also, I don't currently struggle with any mental health issues or have a personal history of them, and I'm grateful for that. Hence, I am on the lookout for preventative measures that will help me maintain my mental and emotional health. I want to post about what things work for me and for people in my life; I want to discuss things that we do every day to keep our stress at manageable levels. Not only will this have the cathartic benefits that I was looking for in a journal-like blog experience, but I hope it will also help all those out there with similar worry-wart tendencies. If you feel like your stress or anxiety is having a significant negative impact on your day to day life, I encourage you to seek some professional help, because this blog is not it.
Anyway, today I came across an awesome quote from Boyd K. Packer (emphasis added):
To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. Teach your members that if they have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, to stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out. There is a great purpose in our struggle in life.
I think this concept is valuable because it's easy to get caught in a destructive thought pattern. When we're stressed out, we sometimes start to stress out about the fact that we're stressed out...and we feel bad because we shouldn't be stressed, we should be happy because of x, y, and z, etc. But I love the sentiment that it's okay to be stressed out every now and then. We're trying to focus on having healthy stress, but having hard days is by no means abnormal or wrong. I also emphasized the word "steady," because I love that it complements the title of my blog even though I didn't realize it at first.
I found that quote while exploring BYU's stress management resources. It looks like they have their own blog, too. It's a great place to start, so I may be pulling some ideas from them and trying them out. I'll let you know how my experimenting goes!
I decided to make a blog because a) everybody's doing it! and b) it might be a fun way to document my life more regularly than I currently do in my paper-and-paper journal. Perhaps someday I'll have more of a theme for my blog, or maybe share it with more people, but for now its purpose is for me to record my thoughts and musings.
The title of my blog is "Steady as She Goes," chosen because I feel like one of my biggest challenges in life is avoiding extremes and struggling with perfectionism. I don't have a history of clinical anxiety or emotional illness, but it's definitely something many young adults are facing today. I like the symbolism of me as a ship that I steer and that during my life I will try to keep myself steady. Along with posts about how I deal with the big decisions of my day, I'll also include what brings me joy--things that help me maintain balance in my life.
Along those lines, I was reading Gerrit W. Gong's article "Becoming Perfect in Christ" from last month's Ensign magazine. I never noticed it before, but I love that they have a topic specifically for Young Adults in each Ensign. This article discusses the problem of perfectionism and how a better understanding of the Atonement can help us:
In the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior commands us: “Be ye therefore perfect” (Matthew 5:48). The Greek word for perfect can be translated as “complete, finished, fully developed” (in Matthew 5:48, footnote b). Our Savior asks us to become complete, finished, fully developed—to be perfected in the virtues and attributes He and our Father in Heaven exemplify.
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Perfectionism can cause sleeplessness, anxiety, procrastination, discouragement, self-justification, and depression. These feelings can crowd out the peace, joy, and assurance our Savior wants us to have.
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Another serious dimension of perfectionism is to hold others to our unrealistic, judgmental, or unforgiving standards. Such behavior may, in fact, deny or limit the blessings of the Savior’s Atonement in our lives and in the lives of others. For example, young single adults may make a list of desired qualities in a potential spouse and yet be unable to marry because of unrealistic expectations for the perfect companion.
Thus, a sister may be unwilling to consider dating a wonderful, worthy brother who falls short on her perfectionist scale—he does not dance well, is not planning to be wealthy, did not serve a mission, or admits to a past problem with pornography since resolved through repentance and counseling.
Similarly, a brother may not consider dating a wonderful, worthy sister who doesn’t fit his unrealistic profile—she is not a sports enthusiast, a Relief Society president, a beauty queen, a sophisticated budgeter, or she admits to an earlier, now-resolved weakness with the Word of Wisdom.
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As we act and are not acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:14), we can navigate between complementary virtues and achieve much of life’s growth. These can appear in “an opposition,” being “a compound in one” (2 Nephi 2:11).
For example, we can cease to be idle (see D&C 88:124) without running faster than we have strength (see Mosiah 4:27).
We can be “anxiously engaged in a good cause” (D&C 58:27) while also periodically pausing to “be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10; see also D&C 101:16).
We can find our lives by losing our lives for the Savior’s sake (see Matthew 10:39; 16:25).
We can be “not weary in well-doing” (D&C 64:33; see also Galatians 6:9) while taking appropriate time to refresh spiritually and physically.
We can be lighthearted without being light-minded.
We can laugh heartily with but not haughtily at.
Our Savior and His Atonement invite us to “come unto Christ, and be perfected in him.” As we do so, He promises that His grace is “sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ” (Moroni 10:32).
As you can tell, I like a lot of that article. I felt it went well with the Relief Society lesson I taught today, which was about agency. I like that Elder Gong referenced 2 Nephi 2:14: And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon. It helps us feel that we have control, while at the same time calms our overwhelmed feelings because it asserts that God is with us.
Lastly, on this topic I'd like to reference Cecil O. Samuelson's address "Be Ye Therefore Perfect." He was the president of Brigham Young University when I first became a freshman here, and this speech was the first devotional I heard at BYU. I've reflected on it many times throughout my journey here, and I like to think that this message is special for me because it was my initial exposure to BYU devotionals and concerns an issue I find particularly difficult in my life. Here is some of President Samuelson's advice:
This has the promise of a terrific year. It will be an even better year for each of us personally if we can avoid making unnecessary or foolish personal mistakes. You may believe I am talking only about slothfulness or Honor Code violations. Equally concerning to me is the rather common problem of perfectionism.
One area of confusion not rare among us is the notion that worthiness is synonymous with perfection. It is not! One can be fully worthy in a gospel sense and yet still be growing while dealing with personal imperfections.
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Please remember that at BYU you never need to be alone. When you have challenges about your abilities to measure up—and we all do from time to time—recognize that your teachers, advisors, bishops, and other Church leaders and the excellent professionals in our Counseling Center are all willing to assist you as you do your part in accepting the grace of Christ and being patient in your progress.
Well, that's quite enough for one post! These quotes span a time from when I first recognized perfectionism as an important issue when I heard about it at that BYU devotional almost three years ago to today when I read that article "Becoming Perfect in Christ" today. I've learned a lot in that time, and I'm looking forward to learning much more in the future!
